Working with young children, I often hear of the passing of their beloved pets. I often have them draw their furry family member while telling me about their pet. I try to listen as deeply as possible, guiding them to the feelings that may lie under their words. When I hear an often repeated and cheery, "It's ok, we're going to get a new one," I breathe deeply and allow a few moments before I respond.
As parents, we want to protect our children from pain. But, death is an ongoing part of life. There's no way around it. Those we love die. And for some young children their animal's passing may be the first experience they have with death. This is a very rich time to be with children and answer the questions they bring up.
"What do you think death is like?" "What do you think happens when someone dies?" Children's responses are as varied and fascinating as the children themselves.
"It's when you never ever never come back." "Sometimes you can come back but then you have to leave again." "It doesn't hurt." "My grandmother died." "My turtle died." "Our chicken died when it fell off my lap."
I facilitate by saying as little as possible to affirm or contradict the many variations children have on what death is. But, I must admit to being biased when a child repeats that it doesn't matter because the pet will be replaced. While it is true that this may happen, to have them think that we can move through loss without grieving in some fashion, even briefly, is a disservice.
I remember when the school chicken died. As the child stated, it did just fall off her lap and cease to be. We made sure that she didn't blame herself and then proceeded to both mourn and celebrate the chicken named Heart.
The children made drawings and gifts of recycled and art materials. They dictated their words to the teachers: "We love you Heart." "We will miss you." "We liked when you chose your name by walking on the paper with different names on it and you stopped on Heart." "You were the best chicken ever."
One of the teachers dug a hole in the garden. The children sat in a circle. Heart was placed reverently in a box. The box was brought around the circle so the children could put their offerings inside. Some of the children petted Heart. They said their last words to her. Some children hugged each other and cried. Others were happy thinking of her.
The children sang a song of peace to Heart the chicken and then returned to their rooms. Preschoolers have the capacity and resilience to mourn in their own way and be stronger for it. With caring adults around to answer their questions, death becomes another of life's lessons.
For other suggestions for creating quality time every time with preschoolers visit www.toolsofpeace.com
Elyse Jacobs with a background in education, art and art therapy developed the Peaceful Puppet Program 25 years ago in a San Francisco preschool. She continues to find delight in working with young children and helps parents do the same.
