Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Pet

The death of a pet can be a traumatic experience for the whole family. For a young child, it can also be confusing-it's often the first time a child must deal with such loss. In many cases, the pet has been with the family since before the child's birth, so he or she has grown up with the pet as a real part of the family. Children tend to relate to pets as playmates, so the loss, to a child, is often the loss of a best friend.

But while it's a sad time in a family's life, it can also be an opportunity for learning, in ways that will help a child cope with life's future stresses.

As parents, we naturally want to shield our children from pain and grief, but most experts agree that masking the reality of what's happening can only add to a child's confusion. We need to be honest and shouldn't avoid using words like "death" and "dying", even though very young children may not be able to grasp their finality. Phrases like "put to sleep", on the other hand, can connect harmful connotations to normal activities; if a child thinks that sleep is something from which he may not recover, he could develop an unnecessary phobia of going to bed.

If a pet's decline is due to age or illness, and euthanasia is recommended by your veteranarian, it can be helpful to include your child in the decision-making process. Explain the stiuation honestly: "Spot is in a lot of pain, and the doctor can't make him better. We don't want him to suffer, and we can help him die in peace."

Your vet has experience in explaining the problems of illness and the process of euthanasia to children, and most vets are happy to help you answer your child's questions. As well, if your pet has suffered traumatic injury, your vet is the best resource to explain the reasons for death.

Encourage your child to express his feelings. It may not happen with words-your child may not yet possess the nuance of vocabulary necessary to properly convey such feelings. He may find it easier to draw a picture of his life now, without his friend.

Express your own feelings, as well. Tell your child how sad the loss of Spot makes you feel. Hiding your pain may make your child wonder if you'd miss him, if he were gone.

A number of resources are available on the internet for dealing with pet loss-Amazon.com lists many books written specifically for parents to help guide their children through the processes of loss and grief.

One important piece of advice many experts offer: Don't rush out to replace your cherished pet, in the hopes of quickly alleviating your child's pain. Allow the process of grief and recovery to run its course. Your child may not be ready to give a new pet the same love and attention he devoted to Spot. And, again, you don't want to teach him that lost loved ones can be instantly replaced. That can add to his own insecurity, regarding his place in your family.

Grieving is a natural part of life, and so is recovery. Sharing these processes as a family can help teach your child important life lessons, as well as provide the extra attention your child often needs, during this time.

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Helping Your Child Cope With the Death of a Pet

The death of a pet is a traumatic experience for any child. It may be the first time he or she experiences the pain of loss. Helping your child work through her grief can make the healing journey more bearable.

First, acknowledge that your child's grief is genuine. No matter how small the pet, your child will have formed an emotional connection with it. A child can grieve as intensely as an adult, albeit for a shorter time.

It is important to allow your child to express grief for his pet. Show him that it's okay to be sad. Hiding your own sadness may make your child feel that he too should be holding back the tears.

Ceremony and remembering

Ritual is an important part of the healing process. It is a way of saying goodbye. A small ceremony or burial to mark the passing of a beloved pet represents closure. There are no rules here; do what feels right. Involve your child in the ceremony. Light a candle or ask your child to write a short poem or say a few words of her own. Don't pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to. This will only add to the trauma.

If a burial is not possible, make a small box with a few of your pet's things - a toy, a piece of blanket, a goodbye card from your child. The box can be buried in your own yard or another special place.

Create a scrapbook or keepsake box to celebrate your pet's life. It has been shown that actively doing something to express grief helps further the healing process. Let your child frame a photo or draw a picture. Encourage your child to talk about his pet and remember happy moments.

Where did my pet go?

The death of a pet will raise issues which you may feel uncomfortable explaining. All but the very youngest children will ask probing questions: Where did my pet go? Why did he have to go?

Gently explain to your child that her pet has died and will not be coming back. Make absolutely sure that your child does not believe that something she has done has caused the death of the pet. Explain in physical terms what death is: the body has stopped working. Explain that a pet's life is naturally shorter than a human life (even though your pet may not have died of natural causes).

Avoid phrases like 'Fluffy has gone to sleep' or 'God took Fido'. Young children take things very literally and may fear that if they themselves 'go to sleep' they will not return, or could be 'taken'.

The age of your child and your personal spiritual views and will determine whether you wish to introduce the concept of a 'soul' or 'afterlife'.

Some grief counsellors recommend the following exercise. Ask your child where he thinks his pet is now. Let his imagination fill out the details of his pet's afterlife. Once your child can imagine his pet in a secure, happy place, it will help him move on to acceptance. This exercise need not conflict with your own beliefs. Your personal spiritual stance can be incorporated into your child's imaginary afterlife. It's also okay to say that no one knows for sure where pets (or people) go when they die.

It's not necessary to go into long philosophical debate about life and death, but to simply answer the question your child asks. Questions will arise naturally over time and it's best to deal in straightforward answers. Discuss and agree with your partner what you will both tell your child, particularly if you have differing religious or spiritual views.

Signs of grieving

Young children may show signs of grieving through upset eating and sleeping patterns, or regression in bladder and bowel control. Be patient and understand that these disruptions to your child's behavior are a way of grief expressing itself.

In older children, grief may manifest itself in behaving anti-socially or appearing withdrawn. Inform your child's teacher of the loss of the pet so that the teacher can be prepared for any unusual behavior displayed by your child.

Adolescents may not outwardly show physical signs of grief for the pet. This does not mean they are not grieving. Your teenager may have lost the only 'person' that he or she could confide in and believed loved them unconditionally.

As with all kinds of grief, it's not over in a day. Your child may ask questions and display signs of grief for months after the death of a pet. Expect your child to return to the subject of her pet's death repeatedly. This repetition helps your child come to terms with the loss. Be patient. Your child will continue to seek reassurance and understanding for a while yet.

A new pet?

Don't get a new pet right away. It may suggest to your child that his pet was insignificant and easily replaceable. You will sense when the time is right to bring a new pet into your home. Choose a time when a pet will be well-received and loved - a good thing for both your child and the pet.

Gary Le Mon is a Board Certified Master Herbalist specializing in natural home remedies for dogs and cats. Please visit http://www.NaturalWonderPets.com for BOGO Specials and useful information on 100% natural, herbal, veterinary/naturopathic remedies you can use at home to heal your furry friends. See also http://www.Natural-Wonder-Remedies.com

Helping A Child Cope With Death Of A Pet

Two of the most difficult concepts for children to understand are death and dying. Parents should help children perceive death as something natural and inevitable. Bereavement councilors believe that the best way to deal with death and dying is to be honest about the event, although explaining the permanence of death to a little child is hard.

A child's ability to understand the death of a pet depends on his or her cognitive and emotional development. Children of different ages see death differently. Here are some points to remember when dealing with children whose pets have succumbed to the hands of death:

Ages 2 and below: A child's emotion is anchored on the reactions of those around him as he sees them the right people to emulate during a pet's death. Do not be afraid of holding back your grief and be open to show how you accept death at whatever cause.

2 to 5 years old: Like the leaves of a tree falling off during winter and growing back in spring, the little kid would see death as a temporary state. Expect the child to miss the animal as a companion and playmate but not as a love object.

5 to 9 years old: Contrary to the previous stage, the child now perceives death as something permanent however is indulged into that wishful thinking how death can be bargained with or defied. The death of a pet usually bothers the conscience of the child of these ages. Parents should always have the ability to reassure their children that they are not responsible for the death or that they should not be blamed for the tragic ending of the pet.

10 and up: It is in this stage that children are able to understand the difference between living and non-living things. Children now see their pets as just like any other living things which are subject to death at the right time. At this age, children may be bound to react to death in two ways:

a. Go through the stages which are undergone by grown ups including denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance.

b. They may resort to the following:

Older children tend to withdraw from the people around them life family and friends. There is a big tendency that schoolwork can be affected by such withdrawal.
All children will tend to fear abandonment. The death of a pet may lead o the expectation that their parents may die.
Children might resort to regress such as temper tantrums or thumb sucking.

The presence of death itself could arouse the curiosity of the child and may cause them to ask so many questions about the event. As parents, it is your duty to honestly explain the phenomenon and answer questions as factually as possible. You don't have to go through tedious explanations if you answer sincerely and truthfully.

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Helping Children Cope With Pet Loss - 3 Tips to Help Infants and Children Up to Three Years

The subject of death and dying can be a very challenging topic for a parent to help a child understand. When a family pet dies, this is usually the first time a child has experienced death. Infants and children up to age three will probably not understand what the death of a pet means, but, can easily pick up the unease, stress, and emotions other family members are feeling.

How a child sees others nearby handle a pet's death will have long term consequences of their view of death and dying. It is okay to show your feelings of pain and sorrow by crying, but, the feelings should be controlled, and viewed as a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. A good approach is to be honest about describing the finality of death, and to use the words "death and dying."

In helping children cope with a pet loss, it is important to recognize that a child does not have enough experience in life to fully understand the concept of death. A simple explanation stating that the pet has died and will not return, is all that is really needed. The child should be reassured that nothing he/she said or did contributed to the death. A child may show signs of regressing such as a return to thumb sucking or have a temper tantrum. Some may have a nightmare or express fear that their parents will also die. These are all normal reactions to something that is unknown and new.

The following three tips can give ideas on how to handle a pet's death with children up to age three:

1) reassure the child by embracing and hugging him/her

2) try to maintain the day to day normal household routine

3) consider replacing the pet as a child in this age range can generally welcome a new pet quite readily

When there is a death of a pet and children are involved, special tact should be made to help them understand what is going on and that it is alright to cry and be upset.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet's death? CLICK HERE [http://www.petlosshelp.info] or go to: [http://www.petlosshelp.info] to get more tips and relief in coping with your pet loss.

Pet Loss - Helping Your Child Get Through the Grief

It is always difficult to deal with the loss of a pet, but it can be even more devastating to a child. Children often find it hard to understand what happened to their pet, and older children who do understand are often distraught. When you have to help your child deal with this loss, it can be a bit more difficult for you. Not only do you need to help your child with this loss, but you also have to cope with it yourself. It is natural for your child to grieve. To help you give your child the help that they need, here are some ideas that you can use to help your child get through this time of grief.

Encourage Discussion About the Pet

The first thing you can do to help your child get through the grieving process for your pet is to encourage discussion about the pet. Allow them to talk about their pet. You should be open about your pet as well. Encourage them to talk to others about their pet too. Discussing the pet can make them feel closer to their pet, even though the pet is gone. Grieving is all about openness and talking about the pet can be very helpful to children who are grieving.

Share Your Own Feelings

Another important thing you can do to help your child deal with pet loss is to share your own feelings. You need to let your child know that you are upset as well and that you feel the pain of loss and sadness. Sometimes the best thing you can do to help your child is to shed some tears together. They will feel like you are there with them, feeling the same pain, which will help them get through this.

Try to Answer Questions Honestly

You also need to try to answer questions honestly with your children if they ask you about the loss of a pet. Sometimes for smaller children, this can be a bit more difficult. Consider the age of your children and do your best to give honest answers that are age appropriate. It may not be easy, but honesty can help them get through this time, even though it is difficult.

Take Time for a Memorial to Your Pet

Taking time out to have a memorial to your pet is a wonderful idea if you have kids that are grieving over the loss of their pet. Whether you simply have a time of silence in the back yard, you bury your pet, or have them put in a pet urn, a special memorial can help your child have a sense of closure. When you formally grieve the pet, it can help your child get through this process, feeling that they have taken the time out to grieve their pet.

These are just a few ideas that you can use to help your child as they go through pet loss with you. Use these tips to help them deal with the loss and make sure that you take time to grieve your pet as well.

http://www.PetUrns.com is build especially for those who are looking for special ways to memorialize their beloved pets. Here you can choose from a variety of products such as pet caskets, pet urns, memorial jewelry, engraved urns and other sympathy gifts.

Death Of A Pet And Children - Helping Children With Bereavement

Many times, the death of a pet is a child's first experience with death. It is a heartbreaking, confusing event for children of all ages. It is important to use this moment as a way to teach your child about death and to help them through the grieving process.

Healthy, open communication is needed during this time. Do not discourage your child from talking about the death of a pet or to keep their feelings inside. Let them know that their pet was an important part of the family and that crying is perfectly natural and healthy.

It is also important that you share your thoughts and feelings of grief over your deceased pet with your child. The child needs to see that you are going through the process with them and that they are not alone. Use this opportunity to discover any misconceptions your child may have about death. You will probably be surprised by what they do and do not know.

The death of a pet is an opportunity to allow your child to talk about their feelings about death and dying. Encourage them to ask questions and do your best to answer them. If you don't know the answers, it's okay. There are many good children's books that address the topic of the death of a pet. Use these books to supplement your conversations with your child.

If your religion beliefs include the idea of heaven, your child may find comfort in knowing that their pet is playing with other pets in heaven. It is important that your child knows that his/her pet is no longer in pain and cannot be harmed.

To honor your deceased pet, have your child help you create a memorial. Perhaps they will want to draw a picture of the pet. Another idea is to make a scrapbook or photo album. Actively participating in an activity gives the child a sense that they are making a difference rather than feeling helpless. Share happy memories of the pet while you work on the memorial.

A memorial service after the death of a pet is a helpful way to help your child grieve. It reassures your child that their pet was not "just a pet" and that it was a beloved member of the family. Honoring the deceased pet with a special service is a wonderful way to say goodbye. It is important that your child participate in this activity at whatever level they feel comfortable. This could be something as simple as reading a poem during the service.

Most importantly, open communication is a key factor in helping your child grieve the death of a pet. Just like adults, children experience stages of grief. It is up to adults to help them through this very sad time.

For more information on how to deal with the loss of a pet, go to this site [http://howtodealwiththelossofapet.com/]. The site also contains a memorial page [http://howtodealwiththelossofapet.com/in-memoriam/] where you can share a photo of your dearly departed friend.

Helping Your Child Cope With Pet Loss - 3 Tips to Help Children Ages 2-6

For many people, a pet is considered to be an important member of the family. Losing a pet can, therefore, cause a substantial amount of grieving in a household. When there are children involved, special consideration should be made as this is often a child's initial exposure with death.

In helping your child cope with pet loss, it is important to realize that everyone (including the parents) is going to be emotionally affected. You will need to convey to your children that it is okay to grieve. By showing your own emotions and grief, this sends a message that the pet was an extraordinary member of the family, and allows your children to also show their sadness and thus, start the healing process.

For children ages 2-6, the death of their pet will feel like the loss of a friend. A child may not see the death as something permanent. They may think their pet is asleep, or feel that bad behavior or anger directed towards the pet caused the death. By avoiding saying the pet has been "put to sleep," or "run away," you can minimize confusion or doubt. If you say that their pet's body no longer works and that the pet will not be returning, this helps keep the explanation simple.

The following three tips can give ideas on how to handle a pet's death with children ages 2-6:

1) inform your child's teachers about the pet loss in case there are any behavior changes

2) hold off on getting another pet until your child shows a desire for one

3) be open to having as many conversations as needed to allow your child to share his/her emotions and worries

Helping your child cope with pet loss will take some extra attention, however, children are generally able to accept their pet is gone and recover from the loss.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet's death? CLICK HERE [http://www.petlosshelp.info] or go to: [http://www.petlosshelp.info] to get more tips and relief in coping with your pet loss.

Helping Children Deal with Pet Loss

Grief is the normal and natural reaction when a pet has died. Everyone, including children perceives loss differently. Grief is a very personal and unique experience. One of the most difficult tasks for grieving children is to learn how to incorporate the death of a pet into their life and to figure out how to go on living without them.

Regardless of their age, children can experience shock, denial, confusion, sadness, anger, blame, withdrawal, wishing, acceptance and healing after a pet dies. Keep in mind that children grieve differently at different ages. Younger children do not understand that death is final, sometimes not until the ages of nine or ten years. It is important that adults support children based on their individual needs as well as each child's unique ability to comprehend the finality of death. The younger the child, the more confusing the finality of death can be.

It is important to be honest with children, but remember, that sometimes less information is better. Do not tell you child that you sent their pet away, when it has actually died. You could gently let children know that his pet's body was badly hurt in an accident and that its body cold not be fixed or that her pet's body stopped working. Parents are often confused about how to explain when a pet is "put to sleep". You could use this term with children, but remember to explain the difference between death and sleep and that their pet will not be coming back.

It not necessary to try to make your child believe that death is final. Understand that acquiring this information is a natural developmental process that happens when your child is ready to accept it. You may even notice that it may seem like your child fully understands that death is final, only to be surprised a few weeks later to learn that they do not. This is perfectly normal.

Believe in your child's ability to create a meaningful goodbye for their pet. Encourage them to make a special goodbye picture, write a letter to their pet or to have a special funeral or memorial service for their beloved pet.

Age Specific Responses

Ages 3-6

Suppose you have to tell your 4 year old that his pet has died. You may say,"Remember how Skippy didn't come home last night? I have some very sad news, Daddy found him this morning and he had been hit by a car. His body was so hurt from the accident that he died. Do you know what it means to die?" Don't be surprised if your child refuses to believe you, or insists that she saw her pet or heard him barking. Gently sympathize with you child, "That would be nice, but Skippy died, and we are all going to miss him very much."

Ages 7-9

Keep in mind that the death of a beloved pet can invoke feelings that can be just as painful as the death of a person for children of all ages. Tell your child the truth about their pet, do not replace it and hope that they won't notice. It is helpful to their growth and development through childhood to learn how to process bad news and begin accepting that death is a natural part of life. Include children whenever possible when disposing of their pet's body and ask them about how they would like to say their final good-bye. Children have the natural ability to balance compassion and creativity to ensure that their pet has a meaningful burial or funeral. They may even wish to invite friends to honor the life of their pet.

Ages 10-12

Children of this age group may want to help you make decisions about the disposal of their pet's body. However, know that they may also be quite squeamish. They may find significance and meaning in rituals that honor others, even their pet. A special pet frame or Pet Loss Tomauro® Kit may be helpful to memorialize their beloved pet. Do not attempt to replace your pet with one that looks similar to lessen a child's grief. Talk to them about the feelings children and adults have after someone or something they love dies to help them process their own feelings.

Teenagers

The bond between a teen and their pet contains such unconditional qualities; therefore the death of a pet can be devastating to a teen. It is likely that teenagers experiencing this type of loss may have enjoyed several years with their pet throughout their childhood. It is important to validate and not minimize this type of loss for teenagers. They can benefit from hugs, offers to help them cope and little notes that show you care. Pet loss can induce many different feelings in teenagers and it is important that you allow them opportunities to process their loss in ways that they feel comfortable, as long as they are safe.

Activities for All Ages

o Draw a picture about your pet. Have your child tell you about his/her picture.

o Document funny stories and special memories. Gather together pictures for a scrapbook or journal.

o Buy a headstone or decorate a rock to place at the burial site.

o If your pet is cremated, involve your child in the decision about where to scatter or place the ashes.

o Create a memory box. Decorate the outside. Place inside special momentos, a dog tag, toy, etc...

o Plant a tree or bush in memory of your pet, especially in an area outside that your pet enjoyed.

o Donate money to an animal related charity in memory of your pet.

©2003, Hoping Skills Company. All rights reserved.

Cindy Clark, MSW, CCLS is a social worker and certified child life specialist. She is also the co-founder of Hoping Skills Company Sympathy Gift and Grief Resource Center near Boston, MA which creates special pet loss gifts for children and adults. In the past, Cindy spent several years as a child life specialist at a children's hospital before pursuing the role of a children's bereavement coordinator in hospice. Cindy now utilizes her expertise in death and dying to develop special programming for funeral homes and the community. With nearly 15 years in the field Cindy also lends her expertise as a speaker, author, therapist and adjunct professor in the field of grief and bereavement.

Helping Preschoolers Through The Death of a Pet

The death of a pet can be very unsettling for preschoolers. They may immediately cry at finding out about the death or they may have no reaction at all. It will depend on their age, developmental stage and exposure to death at this point in their lives. They see and hear about death through television or hearing others talk about it, however, many times, the death of a pet is a child's first encounter with death.

Preschool aged children do not typically understand that death is forever. They may think that the pet is sleeping or has run away or is just at the vet's office and will return. The wording is very important. Many times, parents will say that the pet "has gone away" or "went to sleep and did not wake up". This causes unrest and anxiety in many children. They may develop separation anxieties when they are dropped off at school or at a family member's home. Children may worry that their parent or caregiver might go away and not come back. Children do see death as temporary at this age and therefore may see death as "separation" rather than permanent.

They may develop sleeping problems themselves fearing that maybe THEY will fall asleep and never wake up. Older preschoolers may think that their own behavior or action caused the death (I didn't play with him this morning, I yelled at him for chewing my toy, I forgot to feed her today, etc.). It is important that the child be reassured that they were not the cause of the death.

A child might respond to the death of a pet by crying, asking questions or with no apparent reaction at all. As the days go by after the death of the pet, they may begin asking questions or talking about the pet more. They may say things like "I hear a dog barking, Rover is home!" It will be important to remind them that Rover has died and will not be coming home.

Many children ask if their pet went to heaven or parents will tell their children that the pet is in heaven. This is purely a personal choice based on the family's religious beliefs. But again, it is important for children to realize that going to heaven is permanent, too. The pet will not be returning.

When dealing with the death of a pet, it is important for you to talk with the parent(s) or caregiver(s) about what the child knows. You may be the person that the parent comes to for advice on how to break this sad news to the child. Here are some pointers of advice to pass on to parents:

1. Tell the preschooler that the pet died (use the word died-not went away or is gone or went to sleep) and will not be coming back.

At this age, they do not need long, drawn out discussions. Give them a simple, brief explanation based on their age, remembering that their attention spans are not that long. Too much information can confuse them or will be so much that they tune out and do not understand what you are saying.

2. Tell the child why the pet died, but briefly. "He was very ill or very old." There is no need to try to guess what the child is asking you. If they ask "Was she sick?" that is what they need to know right now. Answering simply "Yes, she was very sick." is enough for now.

3. Assure the child that they did not cause the death.

4. Let the child talk about the pet or death of the pet in their time.

5. Help the child remember their pet by drawing a picture of them together and hanging it up or hanging a picture of the pet.

6. The child may or may not talk about the pet or death of the pet for some time.

7. Some behavior changes might be seen in response to the loss of a pet such as changes in mood, toileting habits, play habits and sleep disturbances.

8. There are many books available about this subject. Following this article is a list of books that were recommended to me by other teachers in the field. It is important that you or the parent read them first before reading any of them to the child to be sure that the book is appropriate for that individual child and is in agreement with the family's beliefs about death.

9. Ask parents to keep you updated on how the child is reacting to the death so that you, with the parents, can work as a team and help this child through this in a consistent manner.

10. Contact your local Hospice center for advice and resources. They are very helpful and informative about helping children deal with death of a pet or of a person.

Book List suggestions regarding Death of a Pet:

All God's Creatures Go To Heaven by Noel
Cat Heaven by Rylant
The Day Scooter Died: A Book about the Death of a Pet by Long-Bostrom
Dog Heaven by Rylant
The Fall of Freddy the Leaf by Buscaglia
For Every Cat an Angel by Davis
For Every Dog an Angel by Davis
The Forever Dog by Cochran
I'll Always Love You Wilhelm
It Must Hurt a Lot by Sanford
The Legend of Rainbow Bridge by Britton
Lifetimes by Mellonie & Ingpen
My Grandson Lew by Zolotow
Remembering Pets by Dalpra-Berman
Remembering Ruby: For Families Living Beyond the Loss of a Pet by Wells
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Viorst
The True Story of Critter Angels by Diamond
When A Pet Dies by Rogers
When Your Pet Dies by Pomerance

Cheryl Hatch has been working with preschool children and their families since 1995. She has over 15 years experience teaching and directing in preschool programs. She is the owner of http://www.preschool-plan-it.com

For preschool themed activities and ideas, articles and information to help you in your preschool classroom or with your preschool children, visit http://www.preschool-plan-it.com

Pet Loss - Helping Children Cope With The Loss Of A Much-Loved Pet

There is something deeply profound in the grief that some children feel following the death of a beloved pet. When we think about literary attempts to depict the heartfelt bond between children and their pets, we think of "Lassie Come Home" or "The Incredible Journey," "Old Yeller" and "National Velvet."

The ferocity with which children can bond with their pets can be surprisingly intense. While adults have the maturity to more adequately distinguish the difference between the love they feel for people and the love they feel for pets, for a child, the lines can be less clear. Adults have had the opportunity to secure many personal friendships throughout their lifetimes. But for a child, their pet may be their one and only true friend.

The word "friend" implies companionship, protection, unconditional love, acceptance and loyalty. For many children these are the very attributes they feel toward their pet. It is particularly disturbing, therefore, for a child to be told "It's only a dog." In the mind of a child, their beloved friend is gone and they may be terribly conflicted between responding like a grown up and coming to terms with the grief and sadness they are feeling. For some children, it may be their first encounter with death or the first time they witness their parents' response to sadness and loss. Parents and care givers need to realize that pet loss can bring about intense fears and anxiety for an emotionally inexperienced and grieving child.

Your child may go through the five stages of grief

The grieving process for all of us with pet loss tends to follow the same stages of grief for the loss of human loved ones (denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance). The difference in a child's grieving process is that it is less predictable than that of adults. The path from denial to acceptance varies according to the age of the child and his or her maturity level. If you are a parent faced with helping your child grieve the death of a pet, it is important for you to understand that your child's capacity to comprehend death in general dictates their response to the experience of losing their pet.

For example, two or three year olds have developed no concept of death, while a six year old may fear death is contagious. Older children may respond with deep sadness and withdrawal. If your child was the pet's caretaker, he may feel overwhelming guilt and responsibility if the pet is sick, dying, or is killed. In this instance, your child may need constant reassurance that he is not at fault. As parents, we have to listen to our children and validate their feelings whether they make sense to us or not.

Honesty is always the best policy

A good way to explain death to a child is by being both truthful and simple. Young people need to hear that death is natural, inevitable, final and universal. It's never a good idea to tell them that God took their loved one or pet, or that "they are in a better place now." Remember that children are concrete thinkers and take things you say literally. If a child hears that their pet is "lost," they will want to look for it. They need to hear that their pet is dead and that means they are not coming back.

Similarly, it's generally unwise to tell your child you will replace their pet too quickly. Children need time to grieve the loss of their pet and should be allowed extra time throughout the process of grieving to linger wherever they need to along their way. As a parent, you may be grieving along with your child for a much-loved family pet.

The important thing is to talk to your child and help them identify their feelings. If their thoughts are unrealistic or fantasized, explain to them in realistic terms what is happening. Your child will usually let you know when he or she is recovering. If you sense you need outside help, always allow yourself to seek out the advice of a professional grief counselor.

What if your pet needs to be euthanized?

One of most difficult things for a child to understand is when their pet must be euthanized. Generally it's best to include the child in the decision to euthanize a dying pet, but refrain from allowing them to participate in watching the death. Similarly, viewing their pet's dead body may only prove to disturb your child further. Perhaps a better way for your child to say goodbye to their friend is for them to be allowed to help bury their pet (or scatter their ashes).

This allows for the permanence of the death to be felt while also encouraging the child to bid their pet farewell. If you decide on the burial of your pet in a pet cemetery, have your child participate in choosing the headstone and encourage them to visit the gravesite if they wish. Always keep pictures of your pet; this will allow both you and your child to remember and acknowledge the place the pet had in his or her young life.

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Helping Your Kids Cope With The Death Of A Pet

Children and pets share a very special bond. Pets are loving and affectionate and fun to play with. Pets provide entertainment, companionship, friendship and camaraderie. They are privy to children's deepest feelings and secrets. They never blame or yell at children; rather, they offer unconditional love, loyalty and affection. They do not judge, and they always forgive...They offer a safe haven and a zone of comfort and security wherein children are able to let down their guard and be themselves without experiencing worry or anxiety about failing or being judged.

Children not only play with their pets, but also spend quality time with them. The pet is present during many of a child's most precious and memorable occasions. Children and pets watch TV together; do homework together; go on walks together, eat meals together, spend birthdays and holidays together - they may even sleep together. It is of no importance to the pet what a child is wearing, how attractive he or she is, how shy or outgoing or how intelligent he or she is The pet loves the child no matter what. The mere act of stroking a pet offers children as well as adults decreased stress, anxiety, frustration and depression.

For many children, the loss of a beloved companion animal is the first profound and significant loss they experience. Depending upon the intensity of the relationship shared between the child and animal, this loss can be very painful, even devastating to a child. The child may experience emotions he has never before felt and be unable to cope with these feelings. He may feel, sad, lonely, angry, hurt, guilty, anxious, frustrated and depressed all at the same time. He may have many questions about the death of his animal friend. For example, "why did my pet die?" "why couldn't I or my parents or the vet save him?" "What happens when a pet or a human dies?" "What was the purpose of my pet's life?" 'Will I ever see my pet again?" "Will my pet go to heaven?"

It is always best to offer sympathy, compassion and empathy for the child, and to discuss the pet's death as honestly and straightforwardly as possible. You may wish to view the pet's death as an opportunity to discuss life and death and religion and spirituality with your child. It is important to teach the child that death is not "bad" or to be feared - simply an inevitable experience of all living creatures that are born and a part of the cycle of life. An analogy as to the changing seasons may help the child to relate to the different phases of life; spring for the birth of life; summer for life's flourishing; autumn for the harvest or waning of life; winter as death.

It is rarely, if ever, a good idea to protect or shield the child from the truth. Inevitably, the child will experience loss many times throughout his life, and it is wise to provide him with the tools that will enable him to cope with and recover from grief. It is helpful to teach the child to openly and honestly express his feelings without fear of being judged or ridiculed. Grief is the normal, healthy and natural response to loss. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad or shedding tears. Tears are healing for boys and girls, and no one should be made to feel ashamed or embarrassed to cry.

A grieving child seldom displays or reveals the depth or degree of sorrow and suffering she is experiencing. But be on the alert for behavioral changes - isolation, secretiveness, acting out in anger, short temper, impatience, etc. Any dramatic behavioral change should be noted and addressed. It is extremely helpful to encourage the child to speak/express her feelings whatever they may be in as comfortable, nonjudgmental and supportive environment as possible. Refrain from blame or criticism; allow the child to tell you the truth. Let the child know that you, too, loved and are missing the pet. If you have ever lost a pet, you might wish to share your grieving experience with your child.

Conduct a memorial service and funeral involving the entire family. Each family member can eulogize the pet - what happy moments did you share? What did you and your child learn from the animal companion - from your relationship with him? What qualities about your pet did you admire? Remember the happy times you shared.

Encourage your child to ask questions and to discuss them not only with the family, but also in school, in church or synagogue, with grief counselors, etc. Suggest that the child express his feelings verbally, as well as write to or about the pet, draw pictures of the pet, make a photo album of the special times you spent together, sing a song about the pet, do a dance for the pet, etc. and share this with others who are sympathetic. Above all, encourage your child to mourn the pet, and then, celebrate the beautiful relationship he shared with the animal

Use the experience of the loss of a pet to teach your child that loss is inevitable - that he will experience many types of loss throughout his life such as loss of a parent, divorce or separation of parents, graduation, moving from one place to another, loss of safety, off of troops in a war; loss of trust, loss of public heroes and leaders (i.e. President Reagan); etc. Your child can effectively cope with and recover from grief by identifying that he is grieving, by expressing his grief truthfully, unashamedly and openly with friends and family members who are sympathetic, and by recognizing that life is ephemeral and to be fully lived, valued and appreciated. Teach him that the memory of a life well lived and the love, joy and knowledge one acquires through a relationship with a beloved animal companion is precious, everlasting and irreplaceable.

DIANE POMERANCE received her Ph.D. in Communications in 1979 from the University of Michigan, and has written the highly acclaimed children's nonfiction book on pet loss, "When Your Pet Dies" which teaches children how to cope with and recover from the loss of a beloved companion animal as well as those inevitable losses in life. She is also the author of "Animal Companions: Your Friends, Teachers & Guides", "Animal Companions: In Our Hearts, Our Lives & Our World.", Animal Elders: Caring About Our Aging Animal Companions", "Finding Peace After the Loss of a Loved Animal Companion", and her most recent book "Pet Parenthood: Adopting the Right Animal Companion for You." Dr. Pomerance counsels those mourning the loss of a beloved companion animal. As a writer, teacher, counselor and animal lover, she recognizes that the loss of a pet can be devastating to adults as well as children. For over 25 years, she has also worked in a wide variety of capacities in the entertainment industry both in New York and Los Angeles, including production work with such programs as NBC's Sports NFL shows.

Helping Children Deal with Pet Loss

Grief is the normal and natural reaction when a pet has died. Everyone, including children perceives loss differently. Grief is a very personal and unique experience. One of the most difficult tasks for grieving children is to learn how to incorporate the death of a pet into their life and to figure out how to go on living without them.

Regardless of their age, children can experience shock, denial, confusion, sadness, anger, blame, withdrawal, wishing, acceptance and healing after a pet dies. Keep in mind that children grieve differently at different ages. Younger children do not understand that death is final, sometimes not until the ages of nine or ten years. It is important that adults support children based on their individual needs as well as each child's unique ability to comprehend the finality of death. The younger the child, the more confusing the finality of death can be.

It is important to be honest with children, but remember, that sometimes less information is better. Do not tell you child that you sent their pet away, when it has actually died. You could gently let children know that his pet's body was badly hurt in an accident and that its body cold not be fixed or that her pet's body stopped working. Parents are often confused about how to explain when a pet is "put to sleep". You could use this term with children, but remember to explain the difference between death and sleep and that their pet will not be coming back.

It not necessary to try to make your child believe that death is final. Understand that acquiring this information is a natural developmental process that happens when your child is ready to accept it. You may even notice that it may seem like your child fully understands that death is final, only to be surprised a few weeks later to learn that they do not. This is perfectly normal.

Believe in your child's ability to create a meaningful goodbye for their pet. Encourage them to make a special goodbye picture, write a letter to their pet or to have a special funeral or memorial service for their beloved pet.

Age Specific Responses

Ages 3-6

Suppose you have to tell your 4 year old that his pet has died. You may say,"Remember how Skippy didn't come home last night? I have some very sad news, Daddy found him this morning and he had been hit by a car. His body was so hurt from the accident that he died. Do you know what it means to die?" Don't be surprised if your child refuses to believe you, or insists that she saw her pet or heard him barking. Gently sympathize with you child, "That would be nice, but Skippy died, and we are all going to miss him very much."

Ages 7-9

Keep in mind that the death of a beloved pet can invoke feelings that can be just as painful as the death of a person for children of all ages. Tell your child the truth about their pet, do not replace it and hope that they won't notice. It is helpful to their growth and development through childhood to learn how to process bad news and begin accepting that death is a natural part of life. Include children whenever possible when disposing of their pet's body and ask them about how they would like to say their final good-bye. Children have the natural ability to balance compassion and creativity to ensure that their pet has a meaningful burial or funeral. They may even wish to invite friends to honor the life of their pet.

Ages 10-12

Children of this age group may want to help you make decisions about the disposal of their pet's body. However, know that they may also be quite squeamish. They may find significance and meaning in rituals that honor others, even their pet. A special pet frame or Pet Loss Tomauro® Kit may be helpful to memorialize their beloved pet. Do not attempt to replace your pet with one that looks similar to lessen a child's grief. Talk to them about the feelings children and adults have after someone or something they love dies to help them process their own feelings.

Teenagers

The bond between a teen and their pet contains such unconditional qualities; therefore the death of a pet can be devastating to a teen. It is likely that teenagers experiencing this type of loss may have enjoyed several years with their pet throughout their childhood. It is important to validate and not minimize this type of loss for teenagers. They can benefit from hugs, offers to help them cope and little notes that show you care. Pet loss can induce many different feelings in teenagers and it is important that you allow them opportunities to process their loss in ways that they feel comfortable, as long as they are safe.

Activities for All Ages

o Draw a picture about your pet. Have your child tell you about his/her picture.

o Document funny stories and special memories. Gather together pictures for a scrapbook or journal.

o Buy a headstone or decorate a rock to place at the burial site.

o If your pet is cremated, involve your child in the decision about where to scatter or place the ashes.

o Create a memory box. Decorate the outside. Place inside special momentos, a dog tag, toy, etc...

o Plant a tree or bush in memory of your pet, especially in an area outside that your pet enjoyed.

o Donate money to an animal related charity in memory of your pet.

©2003, Hoping Skills Company. All rights reserved.

Cindy Clark, MSW, CCLS is a social worker and certified child life specialist. She is also the co-founder of Hoping Skills Company Sympathy Gift and Grief Resource Center near Boston, MA which creates special pet loss gifts for children and adults. In the past, Cindy spent several years as a child life specialist at a children's hospital before pursuing the role of a children's bereavement coordinator in hospice. Cindy now utilizes her expertise in death and dying to develop special programming for funeral homes and the community. With nearly 15 years in the field Cindy also lends her expertise as a speaker, author, therapist and adjunct professor in the field of grief and bereavement.

Helping Your Child Cope With Pet Loss - 3 Tips to Help Children Ages 2-6

For many people, a pet is considered to be an important member of the family. Losing a pet can, therefore, cause a substantial amount of grieving in a household. When there are children involved, special consideration should be made as this is often a child's initial exposure with death.

In helping your child cope with pet loss, it is important to realize that everyone (including the parents) is going to be emotionally affected. You will need to convey to your children that it is okay to grieve. By showing your own emotions and grief, this sends a message that the pet was an extraordinary member of the family, and allows your children to also show their sadness and thus, start the healing process.

For children ages 2-6, the death of their pet will feel like the loss of a friend. A child may not see the death as something permanent. They may think their pet is asleep, or feel that bad behavior or anger directed towards the pet caused the death. By avoiding saying the pet has been "put to sleep," or "run away," you can minimize confusion or doubt. If you say that their pet's body no longer works and that the pet will not be returning, this helps keep the explanation simple.

The following three tips can give ideas on how to handle a pet's death with children ages 2-6:

1) inform your child's teachers about the pet loss in case there are any behavior changes

2) hold off on getting another pet until your child shows a desire for one

3) be open to having as many conversations as needed to allow your child to share his/her emotions and worries

Helping your child cope with pet loss will take some extra attention, however, children are generally able to accept their pet is gone and recover from the loss.

Deborah A. is an animal lover with a special interest in helping others cope after the loss of a pet. Are you trying to move past the grief of your pet's death? CLICK HERE [http://www.petlosshelp.info] or go to: [http://www.petlosshelp.info] to get more tips and relief in coping with your pet loss.