Specific Words For Kids When a Pet Dies

"How do I explain this to my kids?" I find that many parents do not know how to talk to kids about death. I worked in bereavement care at a funeral home for fourteen years caring for children and their families when death occurred. While my major focus was on people, I often received phone calls about a cat, a dog or even a goldfish that just died. The parent's voice on the other end of the line said, "I have no idea what to say." The following suggestions were effective with real kids as young as two years old. A child who shows love is not too young to feel grief. You will be amazed at how well kids can handle death if the following principles are used: 1-Use simple concrete terms, 2-use short sentences, 3-pause regularly for questions. Here are some specific words and phrases you can use when talking with your child about death.

If the child was not there when the death occurred be sure to tell the child what happened, "Your fish died today while you were at school." (Please don't run to the store for one just like it, the kid will know, believe me). Dead means the 'breathing part' left the body in a mysterious way no one understands. It didn't hurt. The body is the part we can see. It doesn't feel anything anymore. We can't leave the body this way because it would not be healthy. We need to make a decision to either bury the body or cremate the body.

Cremation is done by an expert who heats the body (remember your pet doesn't feel anything anymore) to a very high heat. When the cremation is done the body is now ash and can be kept in a special jar, buried or scattered. If we decide to bury your fish, we can put him in a box, dig a hole in the backyard, put the box with the fish in the hole and fill the hole with earth. Your fish will help the garden grow. Once the life is gone, it will not come back. But you can remember and love your pet in your heart. That part never dies.

Whatever we decide about cremation or burial, we will also want to have a funeral. A funeral is where you show your love and appreciation for your pet. Let's think of some ways in which Hamster was special. Maybe you'd like to draw a picture. When you are finished, we can have the funeral in the backyard. You can also put Hamster's favorite things in the box with him. You may collect flowers from the garden and some special stones to decorate the grave. A grave is what you call the place where you bury Hamster. Next week we can make a stepping stone with Hamster's name on it and place it on the grave. This afternoon, we can find pictures of Hamster and make a collage.

Children are wise little people with strong feelings. As an adult the healthiest approach to explaining death to children is to be honest and concrete. Even in the most difficult circumstances, when a grandparent, sibling or parent dies, these principles can help start the child off in a healthy way. What you are really saying to the child when you include him is that you believe in him and understand his sad feelings. While you cannot take those feelings away, you can reassure him that "we are in this together and will help each other get through this difficult time." Using this approach will build coping skills the child will use all her life.

FAQ by Children

1. Where did my pet go? If you believe there is a heaven, you can tell your child the invisible part went to heaven and is happy and healthy. If you don't believe in heaven, you can tell your child that their pet is in their heart and a part of nature.

2. Will he come back? No, your dog won't come back. When a pet dies, it can't come back alive.

3. Was it my fault that she died? No, there wasn't anything you did. Your pet died because she received injuries when she was hit by the car. The injuries damaged her heart and it stopped beating. Her lungs stopped taking in air. She stopped breathing and her life-part left her body. Or, if the dog was old, he died of old age. He was all worn out and his heart stopped beating and he died.

4. What is he doing now? I like think his life-part is in heaven and he is happy and healthy.

5. Will I die too? Yes someday you will die too. Everything has a beginning and an end. But that probably won't happen for a long time. Most children live to be adults

6. When are you going to die? Probably not for a long time. I'm healthy and I take good care of myself.

7. Is God mad at me? No, God is not mad at you. He loves you. He knows you're a child and loves you just as you are.

Penny Halder
Granny Grace Productions
http://www.grannygracecares.com
Children's Bereavement Care Director Conley Funeral Home, Elburn IL (1987-2001)
Recommended Reading:
The Tenth Good Thing about Barney by Judith Viorst
The Hurt by Teddi Dolenski
Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant
These and other good books for kids with my written referral can be found and purchased on my web page.